Say it through music
by Twiinii.Tragedy
Summary: Cas never had to deal with emotion and even though he observed humanity for millennia he still had problems with reading people's emotions and expressing how he feels. So Sam suggested that he started listening to music and use music as a way to express his feelings.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: Yeah I know, it's been a while since I last uploaded something. But you all know how it is - RL and all that.**  
**This story here is kind of a song fic - I used the lyrics of a song from Beth Jo (I'm going to tell you about her at the end of the chapter) in this fic because every time I was listening to that song I had this in my head. So, here ya go.  
Beta'd by the great thekezzasaurus !  
**

* * *

It's been nearly two month since Castiel fell and one and a half month since Cas started living in the bunker with Dean, Sam and Kevin. And even though Cas had had a rough start – with the whole half starving to death before Dean found him and everything – he's still kind of happy.

The only thing that Cas still had troubles with was coping with his emotions. He never had to deal with them and even though he observed humanity for a long time – millennia even! – he still had problems with reading people's emotions.

So Sam suggested that he started listening to music and use music as a way to learn and express how he feels. So he started to listen to music, day in, day out and after some time he even found songs he really liked. And as the weeks passed Cas found himself singing along to the songs he now had on his iPod – which Sam had bought him and he still was unbelievable thankful for – and the desire to be able to play an instrument so he was able to really sing the songs got stronger and stronger the more his love for music grew.

It took quite some nagging and even some begging but after a while Dean gave in to Cas and bought him an acoustic guitar. That was the day that Cas life changed drastically – again.

As soon as he had the guitar between his fingers he borrowed Sam's laptop and locked himself in his room. He couldn't have been happier when he was able to play his first full song, "Hey Jude" by the Beatles. (And it took Cas only two weeks to learn it and he was really proud of himself for that.)

He especially learned that song because he knew that song meant a lot to Dean and when he was confident enough to play in front of other people he wanted to ask Sam if he was good enough to show it to Dean.

Tentatively knocking on Sam's door he waited for the younger Winchester's voice before poking his head inside the room.

"Sam? May I ask for your opinion on something?", he asked with a small but steady voice.

"Sure, come on in. What do you want my opinion on?", Sam answered with a smile and turned around in his chair to fully look at Cas.

Castiel made himself comfortable on Sam's bed, sitting cross-legged on top of the duvet with his precious guitar in his lap.

"I-", he hesitated a for a few moments, "Would you listen to me playing a song?"

After seeing the younger man nod he focused on his guitar and started to play the song.

At the beginning he barely sang at all, but as the song went on he grew more and more confident and by the end of the song he even smiled while singing.

Looking up at Sam he instantly noticed that he was wide-eyed and his mouth was agape. Suddenly all his confident was gone and he started to fumble with his shirt sleeve. "Was it that bad?" he asked nervously.

It took Sam a few seconds to understand what Cas said. "DUDE! What was amazing! Your voice is really great, it's kinda gravely but smooth at the same time." Sam exclaimed excitedly.

Nothing in the world could have stopped the huge smile that spread across Cas' face.

After that Cas spent nearly every waking hour in his room learning new songs and even tentatively trying to write his own. He found that if he had a nightmare or if something happened that bothered him he always felt happier after playing his guitar or writing a song about how he felt, despite still having trouble putting everything into words.

* * *

After nearly four months of being able to play the guitar Cas nearly only played his own songs, but only when he was sure that all the other occupants of the bunker where either out or sound asleep.

Although Castiel was really confident with playing someone else's songs in front of the others, he was very self-conscious about his own songs. He always made sure that no-one could hear him play the ones he'd written himself.

And one afternoon while Kevin was taking a nap and the brothers were out shopping Cas took out his secret notebook and opened it to his newest song. Skimming over it he smiled to himself, satisfied that he was nearly finished with his – as far as his opinion went – best song so far.

It was one of the many songs he wrote for Dean, but it was the very first he poured all his heart into. He was so excited to finish that song in particular that he even forgot to close his door.

* * *

When Dean came home from their groceries shopping he was alone, Sam taking off to go to the local library ("Really Sam? Don't you have enough books at the bunker library?" - "Yes Dean, but I'll still go to the local library.") he took all the groceries into the kitchen.

He was about to put them all in their respective cupboards when he heard an unfamiliar song. Noticing that it was played on an acoustic guitar Dean was sure that it must have been Cas playing. Very slowly and nearly noiselessly he sneaked up to Castiel's room and saw that his door was wide open.

Smiling to himself he leaned against the wall next to the door and listened. Cas played a slow and gentle song, humming it to himself a few times. In between the playing and humming he stopped for a few seconds and the sound of pen on paper was heard.

After a few minutes Dean heard Cas say "This will do".

Unaware that he had closed his eyes he opened them again and looked at the door curiously. Straining his ears he tried to listen as closely as possible and waited for Cas to sing his song.

He didn't have to wait long and Cas' rough but somehow still smooth voice was heard singing the first few lines of his own song.

"_No matter what I said  
No matter where I go  
I can't change the grace inside me"_

His jaw dropped and his eyes widened comically. 'I never realized what a nice voice Cas has' he thought to himself.

"_You told me not to change  
Despite my lack of faith  
You can break the chains that bind me"_

That caught Dean off guard. Was Cas singing about him? Surely Dean only imagined that.

"_I know you think your hope_

_has died beneath your bones  
I can see the light that guides me"_

Dean slid down the wall and sat still leaning against it. He stretched his legs out and closed his eyes again. Even if the song wasn't about him he sure as hell was going to enjoy it.

"_I know you think your hope_

_has died beneath your bones  
I can see the light that guides me"_

He heard a door close in the distance and looked into the direction. It came from around the corner so he thought that Kevin might have woken up from his nap.

Cas seemed to have heard the door too because he stopped playing. Not wanting to be caught eavesdropping Dean held his breath.

A few seconds later another door opened and closed and soon after that Cas resumed playing and Dean let out the breath he was holding.

"_You know we haven't won  
You might think I was wrong  
But everything I've done  
I'm not sorry"_

Cas stopped again and cleared his throat a few times. 'Damn Cas and his love for air conditioning. I bet he caught the flu or something.' Dean thought worriedly but as soon as Cas started again all other thoughts but **'listen listen listen' **where gone.

"_It doesn't matter whether you think you deserve to be saved  
It'll happen anyway"_

By then Dean didn't even try to make himself believe that the song was about something – ore someone – else but him. He couldn't even begin to fathom what he did to deserve such a beautiful song, but he was still going to love it nonetheless.

" _'Cause no matter what I say  
No matter where I go  
I can't change the grace inside me_

_You told me not to change  
Despite my lack of faith  
You can break the chains that bind me_

_I know you think your hope_

_has died beneath your bones  
But I can see the light that guides me_

_I know we haven't won  
You might think I was wrong  
But everything I've done  
I'm not sorry"_

As Cas came to an end with the song Dean slowly got up from the floor and crept back into the kitchen. He started to put everything away and after a few minutes he called out "Cas! I'm back from the grocery run!"

It didn't take long until Dean heard a – fond sounding? - "Hello Dean" behind himself.

Turning around with his most charming smile Dean said "Guess what Cas? I'm gonna cook burgers for dinner!"

"Awesome!" Cas exclaimed happily.

* * *

That evening when Dean went to bed he had a hard time falling asleep.

He couldn't stop thinking about Cas song and whether or not to tell Cas he heard his song. He was really curious and wanted to know if the song really is about him.

He also wanted to hear Cas' singing voice again.

With the merest hint of hope that his feelings for Cas could be returned he managed to fall asleep with a small smile on his lips.

* * *

**A/N: So, Beth Jo.  
You should really listen to her music! Her songs are unbelievable beautiful, her voice is amazing and dreamlike and she's a nice girl and gave me the permission to use her lyrics for my fic :D  
You can find her on soundcloud: xbethjo and the song is called 'Destiel' and you can also find it on soundcloud.  
**

**As always I appreciate reviews and love everyone that leaves me one ;D**


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N: This chapter is another one based on a song, but this time it's a song from Elizabeth Smart and I'm going to tell you about her on the bottom of the story again ^^  
So enjoy :D**

**Beta'd by the great thekezzasaurus again!**

* * *

In Cas' six month being human and living in the bunker with them he managed to set himself on fire trying to cook and nearly set the bunker on fire because he fell asleep to candle light when he had a headache and couldn't stand the harsh artificial light.

So who can blame Dean for worrying over him?

So whenever Cas seemed to be bothered by anything Dean would go to him and tell him that he could always talk to him (in a total un-chick-flicky way, thank you very much.)

Luckily it didn't happen all that often, but when it did Cas would always decline his offer and would ask for a cup of tea instead. With his steaming beverage he would lock himself in his room and would only come out to use the bathroom or to get more tea.

This would continue on for hours until his fingers were bleeding from all the frantic playing or until he became so hungry that he couldn't focus on his playing anymore.

And Dean would always make him cheeseburgers and fries then and Cas would always be the happiest person afterwards.

But Dean just couldn't stop worrying about Castiel - especially now that he was human and vulnerable - even if Cas tried to assure him that he was perfectly capable of looking after himself.

And Dean tried to believe him, he really did, but he would still find himself outside of Cas' room in the middle of the night when he thought he heard him having a nightmare. Always unbeknownst to Cas.

* * *

Castiel woke up with a start sitting bolt upright in bed. He was breathing heavily and clutching his chest. It took him a few seconds to realize where he was.

Taking a few deep breaths he turned his bedside lamp on and swung his legs from the bed. Holding his head in his hands he remained in this position for a while, still trying to calm himself down and remember that he was safe. That no one could hurt him here with Dean in the next room and Kevin and Sam just down the corridor.

After what felt like forever Cas was finally calm enough and he lifted his head and glanced around the room. Where was his freaking guitar? He needed to play a little.

Sighing he stood up and grabbed his guitar - his most precious possession - and sat down right there on the floor. He started to play a few chords - playing one song then jumping to another only to go back to play the previous song again.

It could have been hours for all Cas knew until he felt relaxed enough to grab his secret notebook and skim through it searching for a special song.

'Where is it? Where?' Cas thought turning page after page. 'It must be somewhere-'

Castiel lay the book down in front of him and studied the two pages for some time. Nodding to himself he started to play.

This song was one of the many songs he had written after he had a nightmare about Metatron stealing his grace or Naomi forcing him to kill a thousand Deans.

Sometimes he did dream about Dean leaving him behind and telling him that he was nothing but a waste of space and that he didn't deserve Dean's company. That he wasn't even worth the air he breathed.

Those dreams where by far the worst.

And tonight he had one of those nightmares again so he did what he always did after he had one of those. He either went into the kitchen to go grab a beer or a glass of whiskey - which helped him to fall back asleep but gave him a hell of a hangover the next day (and on one occasion a speech from Sam on how that was so not the right way to cope with things) - or he played this one particular song, pouring all of his feelings for Dean into it.

He took a deep breath before he started singing.

_"Hold me close and never let me go, please  
tell me all the things that I should know, please  
I used to shine so bright, I lit the night,  
I was the light in every midnight sky"_

Castiel slowly closed his eyes.

_"Hold me close and tell me not to fear, please  
tell me all the things I want to hear, please  
I used to have such wings, I used to sing  
I was the ring on planets in other universes somewhere other than here"_

Shifting a little he never stopped playing. He thought about Dean, how he might react if he ever heard one of his songs about him. Would he freak out? Or would he tell Cas that he felt the same way, always has, just like him?

_"I was a star, I fell so far, I did it all for you  
I gave my grace, I gave my face, I did it all for you  
all for you, all for you now, all for you  
so teach me how to be someone like you, please  
I am so lost so tell me what to do, please  
I used to know my part, knew where to start  
but now my heart is empty  
oh fill it, please"_

Cas could feel the tears burning behind his eyes and he was aware of the fact that his voice wavered a bit but he wanted to sing the song to the end no matter what.

_"I was a star, I fell so far, I did it all for you  
I gave my grace, I gave my face, I did it all for you  
all for you, all for you now, all for you  
so don't pretend that I'm the same as I once was  
just hold me a little bit tighter now and kiss me because"_

By now the tears that had threatened to spill earlier were flowing freely and his voice sounded totally wrecked. But he still pushed on and focused so solely on singing the song that he didn't even register the door opening or the footsteps coming closer and closer.

_"I was a star, I fell so far, I did it all for you  
I gave my grace, I gave my face, I did it all for you  
all for you, all for you now, all for you  
I was a star, I fell so far, I did it all for you  
I gave my grace, I gave my face, I did it all for you  
all for you, all for you now, all for you  
all for you"_

Suddenly there were arms around his waist and warm breath on his neck. Castiel startled so hard that he nearly threw his guitar away and his heart was hammering against his ribcage.

Slowly turning his head Castiel came face to face with none other than Dean.

* * *

**A/N: Elizabeth Smart.  
****She's an extremely talented girl** **and a really nice person and she also gave me the permission to use her lyrics (: I absolutely fell in love with her voice and her songs are so touching that some of them even make me cry after listening to them for who-knows-how-many times. ****And I can never get them out of my head ;)**  
**You can find her on soundcloud: elizabethjeansmart and the song is called 'Hold Me Close (Castiel's Lament)' and you can also find it on soundcloud!**

**Reviews are always welcomed and loved :D  
**


End file.
